Control and Progress

I recently posted about how BEIGE I found Indianapolis.  Well, that was before the early spring triggered an explosion of color in this 'burg!  Pale pink dogwood blossoms, yellow daffodils, deep green grass, lavender trees, red tulips... a riot of color.   The beige has certainly blown away.

I am reminded how nature will continue to move forward, no matter what we do.  Global warm the place?  Ok, spring will still arrive, just earlier.  Vines will grow, bees will pollinate, ants will find their way inside my housemate's bedroom and freak her out... it seems impossible for nature to stagnate and cease its cycle.  Even death is not a full stop but a necessary part of that cycle.

This week I spent an incredible amount of time and money and effort to fly home for an audition.  I was happy I did so, regardless of the outcome.  However, when I found out today I didn't book the job, I wasn't really disappointed or upset - I was frustrated by the lack of control I felt.

An actor relinquishes nearly all control in his career: someone else decides to represent you, someone else decides to give you an audition appointment, someone else decides if they think you're a fit for their project, someone else decides where you should stand and how they want you to interact with other actors, someone else decides (in print) if they think you did a good job or not.  We are in control of very personal things related to our craft, but do not have a hand in the grand machine.

So the frustration nags for a moment, until I remind myself that I did a great audition (the casting director wrote my agent, "Loved hearing her sing that material!").  And that I even said the effort of going on this audition was just as valuable a building block of my career as booking a job.  And that just as the Japanese maple blooms and the daffodils burst, headway is being made.

It is not necessary to have a stranglehold of control to make vibrant, important progress.

Toasting with Bubbly

Tonight we opened the show!  It went so incredibly well, not that I expected any less.  We had an opening night party at a local brewery (which had nice wine, so all was grand,) and now I'm home and having a glass of bubbly to toast a milestone of sorts before I fall into bed, exhausted.

Bubbly is obviously a perfect catalyst for celebration and my professional Wineau side will wax rhapsodic on the subject as often as possible (cross-promotion: see www.wineminx.blogspot.com where there is a recent treatise on the joys resulting from secondary fermentation.)

In other words, it was worth it to me to open a bottle (not intended to be completely consumed in one sitting so potentially wasted) for the celebratory aspect.

I am celebrating freedom.

I am celebrating joy.

I am celebrating what theatre is about; transporting an audience.

This show, "Legally Blonde," may be one of the 'fluffiest' around, but it is so much fun to do - the audience has an absolute blast - and so do we on stage.

I am performing a leading role that is distinctive, humorous, and relatable.  I get to belt my face off, and have a ton of laugh lines.  And I get to work with a company that is talented, dedicated and all-around lovely and this is all reminding me why I fell for this career back when I was eight years old.

I couldn't be happier, and the only thing missing is someone special to clink this glass of bubbly with.  But that's for another day.  As Steven Wright beautifully said, "You can't have everything... where would you put it?"

This Place is So Beige...

I've been in Indianapolis for a week now... and this place is so beige.  It is winter, so the sky is mostly beige, and when there's no snow the ground is beige, and most of the buildings are beige.  This place is the opposite of Miami Beach.  Beige.

But I am part of a fantastic company doing its best to bring some Hot Pink to the area, and I think we're bound for success!  This is the first regional gig I've done in YEARS and I honestly didn't remember what it could be like.  But last night the company went to see the current show at the theater, and I was enveloped by a warm wash of love for this group and what we're doing.

The beige is melting away...

Well, That Doesn't Happen Every Day.

I had a private audition for a play this afternoon that lasted nearly an hour!(See above title.) Kind of riding high from that one, not gonna lie. The director quasi-interviewed me about the character and what drew me to the play, we did the scenes, he told me all about the theater, and then we chatted about personal stuff for ten minutes.

Someone said it sounded like a date, and in a way it was exactly like a date. What a luxury to get to see if you get along with someone and actually like the person you may be working with!

This meant more to me as well due to the fact that I get pigeonholed into being seen only as a musical theater actor just because I've got a killer voice. So, no matter what happens, I know I set the bar very, very high!!

I have been considering resurrecting this blog for a while... it has lain fallow in deference to my Wine Minx tome (www.wineminx.blogspot.com) but episodes like today's have gotten me itching.

We shall see...

I will sort these thoughts out

DVR Madness. Call the White Coats!

I recently had the same discussion with two different friends about which shows they record on their DVRs. When I started listing mine, I was shocked by how many there were - when did I become such a TV junkie? I blame technology. The system makes it too easy to record just about anything that catches your fancy.

I am going to bare my boob-tube-watching soul for you now and list the shows I DVR and why. Perhaps this will be cathartic and I will pick up a good book tonight instead of grabbing the clicker. In no particular order:

1) Human Target - New this season, action-packed, like a mini-movie every week, lots of car chases and fun fight sequences... and Jackie Earle Haley is in it. Totally enjoyable fluff.

2) Leverage - Similar to the above, more interesting for the elaborate con games. A nice ensemble of actors who manage to lift their characters out of "stock" mold, especially hunky Christian Kane as the bruiser. And Timothy Hutton is a classic.

3) 24 - I can't stop watching this series, although no season equals Day 1 in my opinion. I like to count the number of times per episode Jack Bauer repeats himself louder, like: "Where's the file?! WHERE'S THE FILE?!"

4) Bones - I came to this series slowly but now I love freakin' Emily Deschanel! And her interplay with hunky David Boreanaz. And the odd but lovable fellow scientists. And, and, and.

5) House - Dad got me into this one. My friend Scott won't watch it because he's a bit of a hypochondriac and watching doctors diagnose mystery diseases would be torture for him. Hugh Laurie manages to make a completely unsympathetic character compelling, and the ensemble cast is solid.

6) Project Runway - I have a love-hate relationship with reality TV. I can't stand most of it, but I love these specialized competitions. I thought I'd lose interest here since I can't sew to save my life, but this manages to keep me glued without too much silly drama. Enough silly drama, just not too much.

7) The Bachelor - I know, you just threw up in your mouth a little bit. This is indeed the most tawdry of all of the dating shows (at least Flavor of Love is honest about its freak factor...) and especially this season, where they showed the Bachelor shirtless 4 or 5 times in the first few minutes, once even soaping himself up in a shower. Ug. I mean, he's hot, but come ON. And all that editing to make 'characters' out of those poor girls? Double ug. So why do I subject myself to this? I'll tell you why - I am a hopeless, hopeless romantic. And I am single. So if I watch two people on the journey from a first hopeful meeting all the way to a proposal, even under these circumstances, I can believe it might happen to me. Maybe when I have a boyfriend again I can stop watching this stupid show.

7) Top Chef - Back to "good" reality TV! Again, love the competition, and since I cook a little bit, I love it even more. Padma's a little annoying, but I really love going on the journey with these chefs. I just wish I could taste the food.

8) Supernanny - How can so many people be such horrible parents? I'm not a total Judy Judger, I do understand how they could slowly get themselves in a hole, but even though I don't have kids I have learned so much from JoJo myself. I can't wait to say, (in her accent) "That's not assseptible." (I also frequently watch The Dog Whisperer which holds a parallel interest for me, but I don't actually DVR it so it didn't make the list.)

9) What Not To Wear - Stacy and Clinton are amazing. I don't think I was ever a fashion disaster, but I've paid close attention to these two over the years and think they would be proud! My favorite part is seeing how confident their participants get after the makeover.

10) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - Speaking of makeovers... . This show nudges up against exploitation of the families, and I always worry that after the cameras are off they won't be able to afford the taxes on the new property or it will get vandalized. But I cry every week, darn it! I'm so happy for the kid who doesn't have to sleep in a chair anymore! The mom with cancer who has a quiet place to relax after chemo! Walls and ceilings without holes! All of it.

11) The Biggest Loser - Kind of like the people on WNTW, I cheer for these folks making a life-changing transformation. I have to trust they're doing it as healthily as possible, cus they drop LBs so fast, but they're inspiring. I used to do dips and push-ups and sit-ups during the commercials but the DVR took that away. I mean, I can't not fast-forward through the commercials, come on.

12) Survivor - Because this is the one reality show I think I'd do. And also, there's hunky Jeff Probst. But I usually fast forward past all the scheming and yapping to camera for the challenges.

13) Deadliest Catch - Kittra and Susie got me into this. If I had to be a crab fisherman, I think I could. I wouldn't want to, but what these guys do is incredible, and yet mundane, and also so foreign to a gal who lives in NYC. And Mike Rowe is a narrating king.

14) Family Guy - I have become addicted to this show. It is genius. That's all I have to say.

15) Castle - Oh, Nathan Fillion, finally one of your shows stuck! The hardest-working actor you hadn't heard of. Not really a fan of his detective counterpart, but it's all about him anyway. Very funny, and I love the relationship with his family. You know you've already met who is eventually discovered as the killer in the first 15 minutes, but it's a fun ride.

16) V - I am still on the fence about this one. What did they give us, like three episodes before the break? I liked the old V with Marc Singer. We'll see.

17) FlashForward - Very intrigued! I like Joe Fiennes and John Cho a lot. Great premise. Surprising, can't quite figure out where it's going - even though we're supposed to know exactly where it's going! Kinda creepy too.

18) Glee - Love it love it love it love it. This show makes me happy. The songs, the musical talent, and Jane Lynch is so incredible as Sue Sylvester I can't think of any word to accurately describe how incredible she is.

19) Grey's Anatomy - I watched it at first because a fellow Dartmouth alumna created it. And then I couldn't stop. It's a bit soap-opera-y, sure, and the McDreamy McSteamy cuteness got on my nerves, but I seem moved to cry at least once every episode. And Sandra Oh is brilliant.

20) Lie to Me - (We're almost done, can you believe it?) A gimmick of a show, but it's starting to find its legs and Tim Roth aces it.

21) LOST - I am a LOST loyalist through and through - I never left. Some of the most insane moments on TV, the kind where you have to stuff your fist in your mouth to keep from screaming in amazement. Final season, makes me a little sad. But then again, great shows like Six Feet Under and Battlestar Galactica had to end as well to make room for what was to come.

Twenty-one shows on my DVR. At least they don't all happen at the same time, I'd never leave the house. Because while the DVR is great technology, and allows me to keep up with shows when I'm performing, and skip the commercials, it also makes me crazy! I think tonight I will crack open that book.

After I catch up on the last two episodes of 24, that is. I'm behind.

Volatility.

We aren't even three weeks into the new year - the new decade - and it seems to me that there is an uncommon volatility in the air. Of course, the devastating earthquake in Haiti has something to do with that. But there are issues in our government, issues with our national identity - there's the ability of our social networking to create viral insanity, the fact we foster relationships by typing and not in person - I see individuals all around me make choices that make no sense to me, and people who live more for the drama than compassion and real connections...

It all feels a little too uncomfortable. Too volatile. It makes me want to move to the country with my beloved and farm our own food and ride horses to the neighbors' for dinner, and work to teach children the value of gratitude and that they can do anything they dream.

But first I need a beloved.

Seriously, though, I guess I need to re-commit to having hope. Hope that the pain of those affected by the earthquake will heal. Hope that one day we will decide through our elected officials that two people who love each other have every right to marry, and that good health care is not optional. Hope that connections renewed online will be wonderfully refreshed in person. Hope that people will 'grow up' and realize that they are not the center of the universe.

Okay, okay - and hope that I will find a beloved and maybe one day we will grow some food and inspire some children together.

LOOKING.

I am looking. Looking for that beautiful grey warm area, when people’s eyes meet and something new is exchanged. One particular person I could always count on for deep eyeful meaning has recently left New York and is – as I write this, I believe – on his way to the farthest reaches of the Pacific Northwest. But the all-encompassing nature I crave from a look was only ever on the fringe with this departed friend. Now it has arrived at the forefront and become incredibly necessary.

It has been a long time since I’ve shared that particular knowing glance with someone. This glance I speak of is not merely a promise of sexual intimacy or a mutual recognition of interest. It is something so deep that wars are fought over it, epic poems are written about it, people die to achieve it. It is particular to the participants. It connects the head, heart, and body. It transports. It is a statement without words.

It is why we watch theatre, why we DVR good television dramas. We hope to see a rich moment, full and deep, and yet tender and incongruously simple at the same time. I am not jealous of other people and their relationships, I am jealous of these looks.

After one has been single for a while, the question emerges about loneliness. And sure, I miss a body beside me as I sleep. Yes, I miss a person rubbing my feet in front of the TV, knowing what comments I’ll make about something we’re watching before I open my mouth. Of course I want someone as a touchstone to my day and someone to help guide along his own path. But most of all I want to exchange this look.

A look that is unique, every time. A look that encompasses hope, desire, love, lust, admiration, support, questioning, wondering, faith, gratitude, and beguilement. I know I am able to bestow that look. I know I am able to receive it. Now I must wait, patiently, for it. I am… looking.